relax

The biggest challenge and only thing I really need to do.

But I did it tonight for the most part, putting the kids to bed by myself, one crying for his daddy, the other scrambling all over us while we tried to settle down to sleep, wanting to sleep beside her brother, him not wanting her to. I lay there not trapped in the somewhat uncomfortable moment, elbows digging in to my chest, whining, uncertainty, but relaxed, it will all change, it will keep changing. Actually, it ran through my mind, one day they will be older.... But I think the most important part was that I felt a part of the flow of experience.

We had another visit from a young cat in our neighbourhood named Buddy. I kept calling him George, our cat killed last year by a car. It was so nice to have a cat around again. I enjoyed him, and watching the kids with him. Makes me want to get some more, really.

That's all for tonight.

men

oh
how
I have
been
hurt
by them

and
they
de-
light
me
even still

I think I may be enlightened (tongue-in-cheek)

I was writing an exam today for a York course called "Embodied Understanding", which looks at various texts, including yoga philosophy. Reading the description of how a yogin experiences the world didn't sound so far off from how I do (at least some of the time). I guess I'm missing something though, because the person described sounds like s/he wouldn't have nearly as much trouble with life as I do. They'd be a little (or a lot) more skillful. More skillful at not getting so irritated with her children, not so afraid of other people and life in general... But I think I've got some of it right. The part I've got right makes me feel calm and happy sometimes. The part I'm most aware of right now is the (partial) ability to separate who I am from whatever my life looks like right now. This excites me so much - this perspective - because it means I don't have to react so much to other people's reactions to me - I can be there more. It also gives me permission to go wherever I want to - I am undefined. I love being undefined.

Another one

Free attention

Without some time for it, I become a little crazy

It relaxes my mind out again into a feeling of spaciousness and pleasure

Boy oh boy it's been a while

So I'm going to try to write in here more often. Really.

Ahhh..... I censor myself.

I love my kids.

I think Noam has an anxiety disorder.

Life is beautiful and terrrible.

Spring is here!