driven by love

I want to be as honest in here as I can. I mean really. the good, the bad, and all of it. I'm hoping it will be helpful to someone, and that some may be able to be so with me, too. I'd like to be able to have more and more real conversations in my life, online, and even more, in person. Not that I don't already have that to some extent, but I want to extend it.

A few questions that have gone through my head lately: Is practicing joy like strengthening a muscle - the more you do it, the more capacity you have? Do we keep a memory of it (like any other emotion) and when we experience it again, it evokes all we have felt similarly before, making the current experience all the richer?

Another emotion/thought I've been aware of on and off: I'm not sure how to put this into words, but I feel so driven by love. I think this has been true for a long time, since childhood. It is what drives me towards ever greater growth and capacity and skill, and is why I feel so disappointed when I fall short of my dreams in this. I want to be able to love better. To express how utterly beautiful the living world is. But mostly to be able to love well. I long to be able to make skillful my clumsiness and grow brighter and more constant. I fear that my clumsiness and weakness will be taken for the strength of my care, when it is just inexperience and confusion in expression. I long to be happy in this life. For myself, but mostly so that I can love the world with all myself. It's like my deepest need is to be immersed in the beauty of life, and not for my own experience of it, but just so I can sing its praises. That's all I want. That's a lot to say - but does anyone else feel that?

That's all for now, Sandra

building make-believe castles

i had a thought earlier about a tendency i have to want to always be building up ... building myself or something up to a greater height - something that can't be knocked down. and i think it's misguided. because i actually want to be living near the ground, living creatively, to what my creative callings call to me next. just to be alive. not to build something in my name. but i keep forgetting. then start unconsciously beginning the project of building again, and getting anxious about getting it right. protecting it. but mostly GETTING IT RIGHT. how can i remember/remind myself to stay in the creative space? how do you do it?

becoming oneself

okay..okay..it's finally happening.. the things you dream of CAN actually come true. the things that start as small seeds, directly from your own hand can be thrown out into the world one day.. i am experiencing this.. more later..

I'm back again

Well, it is nice to write in here, so I'm going to try it again.

I think I found it difficult to continue because I was so embarassed at my exposure in here. I still don't know what to expose and what not - but I'm going to practice because I'd like to try to publish some of my writing. Also, I felt like I had to write on a regular basis and I just don't think I can.

Anyhow, the challenge is to make it personal while also general, or relevant to others. I can feel when this happens right, but it's difficult to sustain. I kept wanting to engage my potential or actual readers in something with me, when I really should, and want to, just write and let go.

I have to put myself aside in some way while also digging around to find the realest parts.

I better write something, so here it is

Trying to think of an ad I can post to advertise myself as a psychotherapist.

So far, I have:

A beautiful growing

Fearlessness. Open. Gentleheartedness. Wild. Equanimity. Wisdom. Happiness.
These are some of the qualities therapy can help you develop.
Mindfulness-based depth psychotherapy. My name & #.

It doesn't feel right yet, but maybe something of this.

It's hard not to be cliched when talking about therapy, so I'm trying to come up with something unique, what interests me about therapy. Not use words that have become dead with overuse.

Any suggestions?

relax

The biggest challenge and only thing I really need to do.

But I did it tonight for the most part, putting the kids to bed by myself, one crying for his daddy, the other scrambling all over us while we tried to settle down to sleep, wanting to sleep beside her brother, him not wanting her to. I lay there not trapped in the somewhat uncomfortable moment, elbows digging in to my chest, whining, uncertainty, but relaxed, it will all change, it will keep changing. Actually, it ran through my mind, one day they will be older.... But I think the most important part was that I felt a part of the flow of experience.

We had another visit from a young cat in our neighbourhood named Buddy. I kept calling him George, our cat killed last year by a car. It was so nice to have a cat around again. I enjoyed him, and watching the kids with him. Makes me want to get some more, really.

That's all for tonight.

men

oh
how
I have
been
hurt
by them

and
they
de-
light
me
even still